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What A Day!

Just when I thought the last few days before the new year will be nice & quiet, boom! I got thrown a curveball & it’s a big one. I had to work through my roller coaster emotions on a day when all the people that I needed moral support were occupied but HE loves me.

Somehow by fate, HE brought an old acquaintance who was the right person to seek advice & support in the issue I faced today. I took his advice & ran with it in hopes that I’ve done all that I can. I can now only pray that whatever happens next is something I can deal with, insya Allah.

Plus this incident was a good learning experience for me not take everything that doesn’t go according to plan as my fault. I realize I can only do my best & hiccups are part & parcel of this imperfect life.

Take the hiccups as they happen, knowing that they’re not completely preventable cuz that’s just life. We can  anticipate the next time round but unexpected hiccups will somehow find its way into our lives, whether we like it or not.

The lesson for me here is to take whatever comes my way in my stride. Don’t panic unnecessarily cuz it won’t solve the problem or my health.

But this curveball just reinforced the decision that I’ve made a few weeks ago. I choose not to live atypical life of a local & I choose not to be like a hamster running constantly on the wheel. I will abide by the rules of this country but I will NOT be a slave to the system. I am & will always be a slave of HIM! 

Feeling The Blues

People supposedly get hit by “mid life crisis” in their 40s but I don’t think you can put a number when a crisis comes.

Am I going through a mid life crisis? I’m not sure myself. All I know is that the road I’m on is not looking right. What will make it look right? Again, I have NO idea. All I know is I need to get off this road I’m walking and figure things out. I do know that I need to figure out what makes me happy. I’m good at knowing how to please and make people happy but I don’t know what makes me really happy.

I love a good company and socialising with friends but is that it? I know I’m not a baker, chef or tailor – I’m just not good with my hands. But all I know is I have a big, big heart to love and care for all living creatures. I know I have immense compassion and I know making an impact however small in someone’s life warms my being.

Perhaps I need to get involved in community work to fill that gap and get a sense of fulfillment and perhaps it is what will make me happy, perhaps. I’m still figuring things out and hopefully I’ll find my answers soon. I will continue praying to HIM for guidance cuz whatever it is, I do not have all the answers.

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The Road Ahead

Who knows what lies ahead in their lives? Only HE knows what, where, who, when we will be at whatever stage of our lives will be.

Recent events have left me thinking about my life since I have been living a relatively ‘quiet’ life of work, family & friends, which I’m content. Some people may balk at my choice to live my life in a state of contentment. I think I’ve surprised some people at the recent choices pertaining to my lifestyle. They are trying to understand why I choose to live my life which was unlike what they knew of me before.

And I know I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but I try to show them that I’m still the same silly, brain in the gutter & fun person that they knew me as before. Only my lifestyle & perspective in life has changed.

This choice I made was because it was time. I knew it was coming since I came back from US and I could feel that my life was going to change from what I knew before. It took me a couple years and a painful life experience to see this change become a permanent fixture (insya allah) in me & my life.

Is there something wrong in living a life filled with contentment & peace? I still love life & what it has to offer. I am having fun filling my time spending it with family, friends & work. I am making plans to go for holidays this year & attempting to bake (which I hope it’ll be a success).

Just because I am not actively going on dates somehow is a cause for concern for some people. I know myself better than anyone else and I know when I’m ready to date again. I am living my life on my own pace & in accordance to HIS will. I have faith that things will work out for the best in the end. No one in my family is rushing me but those who aren’t close to me are having issues with it. Oh well, you can’t please everyone & not everyone will understand no matter how you explain it.

And that brings me back to the recent events in my life. I was surprised that I received such a call from my past but it was a bittersweet emotion. I finally got my prayers answered but it came too late. But at least now, the truth is out.

I have members in both camps, supporters & opposition. I see both sides point of view & the common things both sides have is the love & care they have for me. And that is truly a blessing. But someone told me, in the end you have to make a choice. Question is can you be firm in the choice you make & be strong to deal with the consequences of that choice? No one can say it’s a wrong or right choice because in the end, it’s your own life that you’re living. No one else will live it for you. Only you…

But I still have time before I need to make such a decision. And perhaps I won’t even need to be placed in a position that requires it. Everything is all speculative and anything is possible. Just trust HIM & continue living my life the best way I know how.

Resolution

It has been a challenging 2012 and there have been times when I wonder how will I ever overcome these hurdles placed before me. Patience was & is the key to see through the tough times. The support from family & friends were vital in seeing me pick myself from the ashes. And of course none of this would be possible without HIS guidance.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I know what & who I DO NOT want in my life from this moment onwards. Life is too short to spend it on things & people who don’t add value to my life. And I hope I’ve wisened up to know better for certain things. I don’t wish to go through another round, it’s too painful & I don’t wish that upon anyone.

I am bad at making/keeping resolutions but I hope to keep this resolution for 2013 & all upcoming years ahead. Here’s to a Happy New Year! May the upcoming year bring us more joy & blessings, god’s willing.

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Moving On

It is time to close a chapter in my life. It should have been closed a long time ago but certain things happen on its own schedule. It needed to happen now, I needed it to happen now. I am ready to move ahead and focus on the future.

It has been a roller coaster journey, this 2012 especially. So many moments of highs & lows. Looking back, I wouldn’t have expected so many changes & experiences to happen all in one short year. But it is as Allah has willed it. I went through the events as they unfolded, wishing I didn’t have to endure such sorrow & pain. But…HE is most wise in knowing that through the pain & sorrow, I emerged stronger & closer to HIM.

For everything I went through, I am glad that what happened, happened because it was the turning point I needed to be closer to HIM. I was lost for so many years & every time I wanted to turn back to HIM, it never became a reality. And yet I wondered why I was still so lost back then.

Insyallah, this time around I pray that I am able to stay on this path I’ve chosen and continually improve myself as an individual & also spiritually for no one else’s benefit but mine.

And I want to thank HIM, family & friends who’ve been with me through thick & thin, helping me to get back on my feet. This “improved” me wouldn’t have been possible without them. I am truly humbled & blessed to have such wonderful, kind hearted & loving people in my life. Syukur Alhamdullilah 🙂

On a separate note, I am very disappointed in someone that I (sadly) still care a lot about. I know they are very capable to be more than who they are now but it is not my place to tell them to change. Each of us has a path we need to follow. I can only pray that they choose the path back to HIM one day…

Change

Change is inevitable, change is constant and change is real. There is no avoiding change in one’s life. Nothing remains the same forever so why bother resisting change. Environment, laws and people change for the better or worse.

I look back at my life and see how much changes I’ve gone (and going) within a span of a few years. In this last few years, I’ve slowly woken up from my slumber and started seeing things in a different perspective. Things I never thought I’d be able to do, come easier to me now.

It may not seem a lot of changes but people in my life have noticed the difference of the “past” and “current” me. And I know the change has only just begun – I foresee more changes lying in store for me as the months & years go by.

If the “past” me knew this was going to happen, she would not be able to fathom the idea of living life as the “current” me would be better. And yet, I am loving who I’m changing to be. I now understand the calmness that old people have from seeing/going through many things in life. I am nowhere near being in a state of being wise and calm but I am more aware of things that matter to me.

Life is seriously short & the feeling of invincibility that a young child feels has gone with the wind. One begins to prioritize what is important and sieving out things & people that do not enrich their lives. And I realize that family is very important to me.

Nothing is more important to me than to ensure that my family is happy, healthy and secure. I also believe that there is nothing more important than shaping the lives of children to become useful members in the society, well mannered, compassionate & respectful.

I have been privileged & blessed to play a part (however small) in my best friend’s children lives. Through them, I am learning how to be more patient, nurture their creativity & taking a step back to let them explore the world by themselves. Hopefully I won’t be a molly coddle kinda mother (god’s willing) but one can pray & hope for such things.

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” – Jim Rohn

Selfish

Selfish…everyone has a selfish streak in them. It’s not something that we can eliminate but it’s something that we can minimize. It is tiring to not be selfish, and there will be times when you ask yourself, can I for once be selfish & not think of what others will feel due to my selfish decision/s?

It’s a good feeling, sure to be “in control” of what you do & f**k everyone else around me because i deserve what I want. No one else knows what I feel & want in life, so I’ll just take it & consequences be damned! I’ll deal with it later & anyway, it can’t be that bad right??

But this way of living when inculcated over a period of time becomes ingrained in our personality & it’s an ugly trait. Sadly, some people never realize this and continue living because people in their lives put up with their “crap” & accept it as part of who that person is.

It’s a joyous day when the realization comes from deep within & the desire to change to be a better person. It is possible because a “change in behavior begins with a change in heart”. I know it’s not impossible, I’ve seen the changes in the people in my life & it reaffirms my faith (naivety if you’re a pessimist) that good changes can happen for everyone.

Life is too short to fight, be right, petty or wanting to win every argument to come out on top. Is there any point in any of these? Making a point doesn’t require any of the above – compromising and meeting people halfway is always the better solution. Life would be so much better without unnecessary stubbornness & pride getting in the way of building closer relations with everyone especially with our family members. It’s not difficult to put one self in their shoes & see where they’re coming from. We don’t have to agree but we can understand & understanding eliminates most of the frustration one may have towards them.

Look for the good in everything & everyone. Life is too short to be in the dumps.

It’s His Fault

Why do you beat yourself up

Because you had the courage to love

Gave all of yourself in hopes that he was the one

Why do you beat yourself up

When it was his choice to be unfaithful

His choice to hurt you

Why do you beat yourself up

Knowing that you had done everything for him

Supported him, comforted him, loved him more than you loved yourself

Why after his lies and deceit

Do you still love him?

And want him to love you

Why after the repeat of hurt and trust being lost

Do you think that he deserves a love as pure as yours

Why do you beat yourself up

Over what you could have done better

When you know deep down there was nothing

What makes you search for answers as to why

When they will not change the past

Nor mend your broken heart

Why when a man decides to cheat do we blame ourselves?

Why does it make us question every little detail about who we are

Make us think that we are not worthy of love

Why when a man cheats

Do we still long for him to change

Realize how wrong he was

And fall in love with us again

Why do you beat yourself up

When you deserve more

When all that you have done is loved someone completely

Give yourself time and the pain will subside and the mourning will cease

You will see that you are still you

Still wonderful, beautiful you

Nothing has changed except your experience in love

And your determination to share love with another

As you can never truly love someone

Until you learn to love yourself

Krabi 2011

13 – 16 December

Krabi, Thailand

A place unlike other islands around Thailand – cosy, quiet, ‘clean’ night life, lots of family & couples tourists plus great street food! An island I would definitely plan another trip soon – perhaps with my close girlfriends or a partner (if i ever find one…lol). The highlight of the trip was definitely the clear waters & white sandy beaches but the surprise factor turned out to be the street food. It was simply delicious & cheap to boot – PERFECT COMBO!! 🙂

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Giddy girl I am no more

I have been hurt many times

Since we last parted ways

Apprehension is strong

When you say you miss me

Can I trust that you really mean it?

You say you’re being honest

But I still have this old fear

From many pasts of old hurts

But no one fits the way you do

It feels like I’ve found my haven

Freedom to be who I am

Yet there is uncertainty in the air

How will this story continue

Only HE has the answers